Serendipity!

"Ain't I a Woman?" - Sojourner Truth's Voice for Antislavery and Woman

2010-08-20T00:32:00.006+08:00

Still pretty weak from bouts of flu, sore throat and fever; I dragged myself to the lappy with Steph's favor rehearsing in my mind. "What if I I'm late in placing the orders and the items get snapped up? Then she couldn't give her sons a surprise... Not wanting her eldest son to practise Tae-Kwan-Do on the furniture out of disappointment, I started reading the Japanese website... "Hmm... the pillows all look pretty comfortable." I smattered to myself. Seriously thinking of getting one each for mom, and C as her birthday is drawing near.

Talking about "smatterers", Sir Frank Kermode, the great literary conversationalist and critic just passed away. Another outstanding man bit the dust; early last month(?) was David Forster Wallace. Sir Kermode just said to The Guardian in December 2009 that it was a "pure chance that one isn't either dead or useless; I don't think either of those things is true, yet, of me." Barely a year has passed, one of those things came true. Nothing is more unpredictable than death itself. RIP.

The designer pillows seem to beckon me to bed, so I had to listen to some poetry recital to prevent entering the right credit card numbers in the wrong places. I tune to Alice Walker's reading of 1851 speech of abolitionist, Sojourner Truth. And what a recital! Yes, Kerry Washington has done it, Cicely Tyson has done it but Walker's presentation seems to bring Isabella Baumfree's (Sojourner's real name) sense of unflinching fight for freedom of slaves and women right before my eyes... No clenched fist, no howling vocalization yet a very commanding reading.

"Ain't I a Woman?" kept reverberating in my ears. Something begins to fester in me - I have a fair bit to say (and write) after reading continually since I returned to Singapore. Politics. Culture. Theology. Literature. "Ain't I a Woman?" Alice Walker's emphasis pierces the air once again.

Yes, but for now, a fever stricken one. Back to mom's rocking chair to rest

Click to watch: Sojourner Truth's 1851 Speech on Youtube

2010-06-10T14:26:00.008+08:00

目送

两年前的六月，送走了一个人。

今年的六月，也送走了一个人。

一个是送别，一个是永别。

送别

望着你的背影，渐行渐远，从模糊了视觉，直到走出了视线。中间，你还两次回头望了几眼，挥一挥手，要我走出你的视线。

你我都明白，即使再回眸再回头，始终会往相反的路走，始终会离去分手。虽然不能再回头，但有足够的祝福，供你回首。

这就是由岁月撰稿的荒谬。岁月一直在重复同样的闹剧，每一幕的离合都一样，总有演不完的悲欢。而岁月却爱冷眼静观我们这些剧中人，爱嗤笑人间的须臾。当年徐志摩挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩地悄悄地走了，我们呢？

其实我们都尽力去演好自己的角色，更从岁月的手夺回了一些东西，一些属于我们的东西，是他人没有的，他人所不及更是他人所不能毁灭的，仅仅属于我们的东西。无论是康桥河畔的录影，国王学院木凳旁的伤痛，静夜细雨中从你的学院步行到我的学院，通宵学习时逼着对方休息，skype上经常勉励地问：进展如何，写了多少，讨论不要用已知解释耶稣复活的已知，倾述对国家亲人的感想感慨，你探讨什么是真爱，我说着上帝的原则典章，你我探索上帝的作为和祂的一切，在不同的地点照相捕捉了不褪色的倩影，Magdalene学院后院盛开的花（你每次看到花卉，总爱问：这是什么花，是桃花么？），谈论咱俩心爱的《红楼梦》，彻夜听英国电台报道大选的成绩等等，每一段山水，每一个脚印，都弥足珍惜。

若要包括买菜进厨房，我烧菜你吃饭，我兼“送外卖”，那就更不计其数了。因为就连一杯咖啡都足以回味，可以牵扯到人生的个个话题。当然还有第一次我烧菜，你以为我发梢沾了面粉，想替我抹掉。怎料一摸才晓得那是我的白发。当时我真的很想说：那看似冬天的寒冷，其实是如霜的鬓，是你抹不去的沧桑。还有还有，那回在中央图书馆第一次一起啃书，在Tea Room你吃面包我喝西洋菜汤，我第一次透露要转去美国念书，你看了资料还猛赞好，从Tea Room回South Wing的三楼时，我取笑你不熟方向，带路的你反问我该怎么走，我说：我正在看前面的猴子怎么走，你就立刻站到我身后。。。

若要一一列出共处的每个特殊的意义，那这些时光会成为汩汩地流了八百年，说着世世代代的故事的，另一条康桥河。而这一条河却永远不结冰，它只流过枕边，在梦里轻轻吟唱，如一些往事，每每风起时，老爱在风中，徘徊不去。

虽然从岁月这脚步忒快的家伙的手中抢回的，真的不多，我们说了还没做的事更多，比如观看“Doubt”，比如去Grandchester，比如去Punting。但终究还是夺回留下了，在这仓促的四个月里，从宇宙永恒中，我们要回了纯属我们的，因为我们已尽了力演好剑桥这一幕，拼了命诠释“研究生”这角色。在悠悠的时光里，我们明白了我们永远是自己生命中的主角。正如你说剑桥欢庆八百年历史的最巅峰庆典，我们都错过了，因为来迟了。我说：“不！我们赶上了，我们还是赶上了”。莫问“伤心桥下春波绿”，只需记得“曾是惊鸿照影来”。我们还是目睹了剑桥的非凡气质，深幽氛围以及很傲然的实力，我们赶上了，因为我们要的不是庆典的缤纷精彩。

曾是惊鸿照影来。尽管人间须臾，尽管只能“留于他年说梦痕”但一花一木，尽都耐温存.[1] 因为我们认真，就连岁月也不敢怠慢我们。

2010年6月10日，周三

[1]琦君的作品吧，当年读过，但不太记得作者是谁了。

永别

纪念于2008年6月4日辞世的恩师陈美莲博士

恩师离去后，我写下了一点点感受，随后居然忘了。过了一段日子，一个无意中，竟看到自己的这篇“合卷归去”，那种失而复得的喜乐心情，使得我毛遂自荐，把它电邮给蔡蕙秋老师，硬要忙碌的她“指教，眉批”。下面是这篇回忆其中的一段：

《有一天，恩师经过刚落成的学院里的学生休息室，瞥见我，便进来对我说：“昨天医生说我的末期癌细胞已经扩散到关键器官如肺部了。所以你要赶快学，好好地学”，说完掉头就走。平日顾盼神飞的风采，在转身那一刹那，却闪着泪影。我突然领悟到，所谓死别原来是望着一个人越来越模糊的背影，走出自己的视线，从此永不再重现。多么令人心折，她一生掀卷细读岁月，握卷于学子的书声里，与古今中外神学家的对话，卷帙浩瀚，如今已到了合卷时。缱绻温情也好，雨雪风霜也罢，千帆过尽，始终要归航，归回到最初的深水良港。》

今天重新阅读了一遍，修改了一些字句。但思念之情，永不改。

后记: 我想起龙应台那本《目送》散文著作里的情怀。。。想想自己仿佛也不断地写着一篇又一篇的目送，目睹他人离去，送别欢笑泪水。

Thank you, Dr Goh Keng Swee

2010-05-24T11:05:00.005+08:00

"FORMER Deputy Prime Minister and Singapore’s economic architect Goh Keng Swee died early on Friday morning after a long illness. He was 91." - Source: 14 May 2010, The Straits Times.

I have heard of the late Dr Goh Keng Swee from the mouths of senior citizens of Singapore including my late grandmother, an uneducated and unschooled immigrant from China who endured the atrocities of WW II. It is not just what people said Dr Goh did but how they spoke of him - often in affective admiration and reverence.

He was (and still is, in the hearts of many) a colossus, a strict taskmaster, a man of integrity and intellectual prowess. Yet unassuming, he truly cared for the ordinary folks. He is one whom many netizens and people on the streets believe as having genuine love for Singapore.

No wonder his demise was the first thing my mother mentioned when we switched on our skype video. "Any news at Cambridge that our Goh Keng Swee passed away? Honest, Christian man, did so much for us, your generation won't know that much lah.... sayang he died but... glad he doesn't need to suffer from illness anymore... Hope his family will not be too sad." Mom spoke as if a close family friend had passed away.

I have the privilege to enjoy the fruit of his labor, from the security brought about by the army to the enjoyment of the arts; all parts of the Singapore economic miracle. And there is so much more that if I were to list them, it would almost be a crass disrespect to the man; one of the key founding fathers of Singapore.

MM Lee Kuan Yew described Dr Goh as one having a "capricious mind and strong character." He was frugal yet generous. This alone speaks volumes of the man whose impact and influence on Singapore are immeasurable.

Thank you Dr Goh Keng Swee for all that you have done in the early years of Singapore for the people of Singapore.

Thank God for the capricious mind and strong character, for the frugality and generosity. This is the kind of honorable man which every family and nation needs.

Rest in peace, Dr Goh.

Media Links: DR Goh Keng Swee Remembered Eulogy by MM LKY

Of Bonding and Boundaries

2010-05-22T23:27:00.031+08:00

The refreshing 2-day conference in London granted me tremendous enjoyment and a nice break from my thesis writing. It was about the Holy Spirit's work in our world today and indeed, the work of the Spirit is not confined to the themes and discussions of the conference but also illuminated an entirely unrelated issue to me. One that I have been observing and pondering in the lives of others and myself: relationship.

Why do relationships that began well shipwrecked prematurely? A myriad of reasons under different circumstances will not allow easy conclusion, so I can only focus on one recent case that occurred right before my eyes. The two persons involved (let's just call them Tom and Jerry) were appreciative of each others' friendship and treasured their times together. Yet they also had fruitless arguments about just why there were seemingly minor skirmishes that plagued their supposedly good times together. As a result their relationship suffered tumultuous and turbulent conflicts.

As the Holy Spirit revealed during my blocks of daydreaming at the conference (!), it is not a question of the speed, of how swift they became close friends in a couple of months. Speed was never at issue. It is not about culture, upbringing and geographical background. It is not even about how they positioned themselves - one assuming the role of an older brother and hence, is always "teaching" the other party. It is all about understanding relationship in God's terms and boundaries which entails commitment, amongst other principles.

Tom knew much about commitment and promises which all genuine and lasting relationships are built upon. Facing Jerry who is 2o years his junior, he entered the friendship with a desire to nurture, to give and to love Jerry as his younger brother. Once that commitment was made, efforts took shape. There was a commitment to give - giving time, love, resources as investment to nurture the growth of a young man. Time is life; time to pray for Jerry on a daily basis as Jerry is a young believer. Time to prepare Bible study materials, time to keep Jerry company, egging him on and giving him moral support in his studies. In short, Tom reckoned that since he was nurtured by other kind and gracious Christians when he was younger, he should do likewise for Jerry. Tom even constantly reminded himself to give more grace to the young believer, so even when Jerry flaunted biblical principles, Tom explained in love and grace, although the strict no nonsense element was still evident. Jerry lapped up Tom's thoughtfulness and benevolence and began to impose himself. Little did Tom know that by giving in to Jerry's incessant requests, he was embracing his little brother the wrong way. As he yielded, Jerry's secret longing festered.

So to Tom it was a sincere giving of time, love, understanding and correction. It was also giving of resources which included own possessions, money and even personal space. Yet even as Jerry was appreciative of the kindness, the relationship was still distorted because the commitment was one-sided - from Tom only. On the part of Jerry, he had different ideas. The relationship for him was merely one that filled his void of homesick and vacuum of missing his friend in his hometown. In any relationship, once a party lacks the commitment, it can be difficult for him to construe others' pure motives.

Hence, Jerry could not construe why Tom is so kind to him, so selfless in giving, so relentless in helping him grow spiritually as a Christian, unconditionally. He could not embrace nor embody the command of Jesus to love one another as Jesus has loved us (John 13: 34). For Jerry grew up as a controlled child. His father, though loving him, had not given him space to make decisions, did not understand him thoroughly but even gone as far as to interfere in almost all areas of his life; right down to studies and dating. Love, to Jerry, is sandwiched by fear of an imposing authoritative figure, peppered with commands, shouts and rage. It was not obvious to Jerry that he has been harboring an innate fear and anger against his dad over the years which crippled his ability to freely receive and freely enjoy love and generosity. Fear and anger, a potent combination that pulls a person in two opposite directions.

That fear translates itself into Jerry's constant questioning of Tom's magnanimity and selfless acts, when in fact, Jerry could not comprehend God's generous nature, that God is a giving God. What's more, Jerry entered the relationship without thoughts of commitment - Tom was merely a replacement for the loved one in his hometown; a means to fulfill Jerry's desire for solace when loneliness and yearning for his loved one became unbearable, a sparring partner to help Jerry brush up his language and a ready adviser when problems cropped up. Tom, simply put, was no more than a multi-function object.

That anger comes in the form of a rebellion against his dad interfering in his love relationship in his early years. The anger was transferred to Tom whenever Tom showed signs of "parental care", even when giving wise advice, Jerry resisted to the core. He wanted to take charge of every area of his life. His attitude is that he has to take things into his own hands, to control, direct, manipulate outcomes, pressing forth to get what he wants. Even moral issues are rationalized and legitimized. It was a case of a wounded person growing up to wound another person. That is why Jerry is adamant to now take full control of what his dad had manipulated all these years, even if it means falling out with his family and hurting people along the way. Jerry's anger at his dad, hidden deep in his heart, causes him to fear losing out in life.

However Jerry repressed such hurts and pains to such an extent that he did not realize this experience with his dad has already crippled him to trace the root causes. Repression is a very dangerous state. Yet his own emotional needs and dependence caused him to grasp tightly onto Tom, who was unaware of such complexities and selfish agenda in the young man.

To cut the account short, Tom was disappointed at Jerry's non responsiveness towards God's Word, principles and moral standards, and was saddened by Jerry's values and stubbornness involving moral issues. Inadvertently, Tom wrongly exercised his authority (he assumed the role of a big brother, remember?) and chided Jerry in anger; expecting him to repent. As a result of such confrontation, Jerry's underlying sense of shame and inferiority (unknown to him) made him sever the friendship that was once so intimately enriching to him. The last straw had to be the manner in which Jerry ended it - curt, sudden, apathetic, radically immediate without notice served. It was almost overnight. Selfishly enough, Jerry expected Tom to still be his acquaintance (not even in the league of friends) who could advise and help him whenever he needed. Tom was shell shocked.

In retrospect, both entered the friendship on pretty unequal terms and with only commitment on the part of Tom. This leads to several massive distortions, as I see it.

1. Distorted Desires. God created us in love and in everyone, there is an inward deep desire to love and be loved. It is a God built capacity. Once that need is not met first by God, mankind will seek to satisfy it in his own ways, often wrong and warped. Jerry's dad did not love in a manner Jerry had wanted. In his adolescence, Jerry then tried to fill that emptiness with other relationships, which unfortunately, were in turn ended by his dad. Alone and away from home, knowing Tom, Jerry sought to gain satisfaction of that need by using Tom as an object of his emotional focus. Jerry did not think he needed to make a commitment to Tom as a friend.

2. Distorted Power. Power and freedom goes hand in hand. Jerry was deprived of his basic freedom since his childhood days, hence in his adulthood, he tended to press forth for what he wanted until he obtained it. It was a "me-centered" thinking and attitude - "I want a particular feeling/security out of a relationship. And I will press on until I get it, even if it means leading others on to comply with me. After all, I do love in return." In reality Jerry is not freed of his dad's control, and he in turn controlled the development of friendship with Tom, and previously with people whom he loved.

3. Closeted Fear. Tom's growing up experience causes him to fear losing out and not getting. It is like children taking things into their own hands thinking they can handle but there is only one outcome: the fear of lack forces Tom to run after a power he longed to possess. But power without control is extremely fatal. Like the child deprived of ice-cream for prolonged periods, but cannot exercise self-discipline and self-control, gobbles up every ice-cream he can have and ends up ruining his own health, and causing grief to those who love him.

When Jerry brought his own emotional baggage into the friendship, it was hard for him to accept Tom's commitment to giving freely. Coupled with Jerry's hidden agenda to use Tom as a object of his own emotional needs, there is no transparency on the part of Jerry. Thus their relationship was distorted right from the start, with both sides having entirely antithetical expectations, which exposed another root problem:

Missing: God's Boundaries(1)

1. Tom did the right thing at the start to want to have Bible study. If the relationship had progressed in that manner, not necessarily on Bible study but in constant discussion and reminders of God's Word and His works, then it will be "rooted and established in love" (Ephesians 3: 17). This is the most fundamental strength and protection for them. Anything outside this boundary of God's principles will not be tolerated and condoned. If this were to be the guideline, Tom would had suffered much lesser disappointment and heartaches and Jerry would not have used Tom for his own selfish desires.

2. The drawing of boundaries indicate what one is and what one is not. If Tom had the courage to be strict enough, he could have demarcated a boundary that explicitly explains to Jerry: "I won't allow you to insist and persist for the purpose of getting what you want simply because that is not me." This could be one boundary through which Tom sends out the message: "I'm no pushover, and if I don't see eye to eye with some of your ideas, I'll voice it out as a feedback. I've my principles and I'm prepared to adhere to them. But we can always talk." In this way, Jerry would know what Tom stands for and what he is not!

3. Boundaries do keep tab on a person who unknowingly nurtures his selfish desires. Man's imagination and desires know no bounds. But with these ought to come responsibility. You trespass a private property, you could be prosecuted. Boundaries laid down are like warnings on electric fences - "High voltage, do not touch! Do not go beyond this point or your life will be in danger." This fence at the same time points to a boundary that separates unbound but safe space. It is giving clear boundaries of freedom. It is saying: you can play anywhere you want except here. Thus while a small area or space is out of bounds, the rest of the space is unlimited and safe to venture.

Mistakes of the older man, Tom. Tom's biggest mistake was one of presupposition. He assumed that a young believer will be hurt, he presumed that he should not rush a young believer to speed growth and therefore, he was very charitable and gave more than the usual grace to Jerry. Tom forgot that precisely Jerry is a young believer, there is no better time than now to sow good seeds for healthy growth! Tom tried too hard to see things from God's perspective when in fact, he is not God and so, he does not know how much grace he should give! Part of the reason why Tom gave in so much to Jerry's whims and fancies was because in the past, he had been too strict and had set too many boundaries with young believers and so, he thought he should be more relaxed now.

The unfortunate result was that it did not help Jerry. Instead, Jerry was weakened further. Firstly, Jerry's tendency to depend on people enlarged. The symbiosis was at work - Jerry's desire to depend on others made him lose his own uniqueness - of what God wants him to be. Secondly, Jerry could not stand on his own feet when a crises strikes, he could not make major decisions, he could not handle unforeseen circumstances that crop up. Thirdly, he still had not learned how to deal with his loneliness and aloneness. Jerry simply pressed on to get what he wanted from Tom.

In addition, without a proper boundary, there is no responsibility to others and for oneself. This is what caused the both of them to fail. With a boundary, Tom would know his sphere of shepherding of a young believer, he would not need to do more than what is required. That is responsibility for himself - he just need to do his part, no more, no less. Tom discovered, too late, that he had invaded the private domain of Jerry by commenting on Jerry's lifestyle and moral behavior which the latter resented to the core. As a young Christian, it was still hard for Jerry to see God's standard of purity and holiness, much less align his principles and values to biblical ones.

Lastly, if there had been clear cut boundaries for their bonding, Jerry would also not encroach on others' comfort zone to demand attention and compliance with what he wanted Tom to do - right down to moving into his room. This is responsibility to others. With a clear cut boundary, both men would know their responsibility to and concurrently for himself.

It is truly unfortunate that a friendship started so smoothly had to end in a perceived non-edifying manner. But the root problems were certainly not as Jerry had thought, -- the different culture, background and values. It was not even due to wrong positioning of their roles and seniority at the start. It was not that they became close friends too fast (as Jerry had wanted and hence orchestrated it). No, not any of the above reasons.

It was all because the bonding had no boundaries, they were not rooted in God's Word, there was no commitment to build each other up (only Tom had such desire), and no transparency (Jerry's self-satisfying motive was not known by Tom at all). And all these imperfections require solution - constant communication. But that was solely lacking because Jerry did not see the need to talk often.

Above all, at the heart of Jerry's sudden halt of the friendship is a deep, wounding experience of rejection for Tom. It shouts: "You are not wanted. Your sincere desire to build God's Word in me is not valued. I wanted you as a mere substitute but I couldn't handle that bloating emotion now and so I must put a stop to it. What's more, I don't seem to be able to dictate what I want now." This experience for Tom is profoundly destabilizing and demoralizing.

Yet I believe all is not lost. God specializes in surprises and He writes the last chapter which is always soothing, redeeming, restoring not to mention entertaining.

The key to a new beginning of the friendship, though, does not lie with Jerry who was hurt after being severely reprimanded and no longer wanted a close relationship for it developed into something that he had no control of. The decision actually lies with Tom.

For it was Tom who started with a pure motive, only to realize he had been used as a replacement for a beloved by Jerry, and that the latter was not that interested in God (except when crises strikes). All Jerry wanted was an intimate companion to fill his emotional and psychological emptiness. In short, Tom was not taken to be who he was; his qualities, good intentions, personality and spirituality. Tom was just a substitute; an object shaped by Jerry's imagination and desire. Now that the cat is out of the bag, it all depends on whether Tom is still willing to accept Jerry as even an acquaintance. If so, Tom needs to require commitment on both sides, he needs to insist on rooting their relationship in God's love and establishing each other (Eph 3:17), and they definitely need to place proper boundaries with frequent communication henceforth.

As it is now Easter term on my Cambridge University calender, I'm reminded of the message of Easter for Tom and Jerry: God sees all the pains and hurts we inflict on each other and ourselves; God sees the judgment we passed on others and ourselves, and God will restore unto Tom and Jerry their precious intimate friendship, and reconcile them with God Himself. In every place where there is seemingly a lack of hope, God's hope is planted. The death and resurrection of Jesus show that God gives life, love and hope inexhaustible in dead end situations. All these cannot be comprehended by man's own limited understanding.

The resurrection of Jesus defines everything. There is now no relationship that cannot be restored, no judgment that cannot be reversed - all by God alone. Welcome to a whole new world defined by God's boundaries in love, Tom and Jerry.

(Tomorrow is Pentecost Sunday, the 7th week after Christ's resurrection. My thoughts and prayers go out to these guys who are inherently good people, may Jesus breathe a (new) life giving spirit to them, as God did to Adam).

(1) The first two ideas, now my life principles, were gleaned from a book by Townsend about 5 years ago: "Boundaries."

五月十二日汶川地震两周祭

2010-05-12T03:04:00.008+08:00

今天是五月十二日。

不知兩年后的今天，汶川災区的重建工作进行得如何了？人们的生活，身，心，灵的伤口抚平得怎样了？

8万多人罹难，几十万人受伤，其余下落不明的人呢？

新华社引用了网友的一段话：“现在，走进四川灾区，最漂亮的是农房，最坚固的是学校，最现代的是医院，最满意的是群众。” 是的，地震不久后，就是北京的奥运会，地震几乎成为了中国成功办好奥运会的动力之一，抗震也无疑成了一种宣传。

天灾后全国总动员，众志成城，万众一心，为救灾和重建作出动努力和贡献是令人感动的。

1.8万个家庭因地震而变成无儿无女无父母。

房子重建易，心灵创伤的医治可能需要一生。

汶川，加油!

说梦痕

2010-05-06T18:48:00.034+08:00

不知为何，这几天脑海总闪过四年前在神学院读书时，写过的诗句：

“你我本是同乡
常聚在梦和诗的渡口
抚慰缱绻的乡愁。
以一种乡音
说着千般柔情”

我记不起整首诗的完整字句，得回到新加坡查看笔记簿。但我清楚记得写下这贴的那晚，正预备隔天的希腊文考试，读得很百无聊赖，窗外还下起绵绵细雨。我还笑着对自己说：“噢，又是今我来思，雨水霏霏。”写后就得意起来，虽然是深夜，我把整首诗用手机发了给一位只看得懂中文的大陆同学。还记得当时她回说：“喂！明天考试，都火烧眉毛了，还有这种雅兴！还不赶紧读书！说你不羁真没错！”。

怎么我脑海又飘起这首诗了呢？犯了乡愁？还是因为在剑桥，没人有闲暇去互诉“同一种乡音”？还是这是向往流浪的旅人内心深处潜伏着的孤单和莫名的忧伤？

以一种乡音，去述说千般的柔情。
以常相聚的姿态，去抚慰乡愁的缱绻。
但可成为“同乡”的知己呢？多数都无心停留同样的渡口，无法诠释也浪掷了梦和诗。

是琦君说的吧？“留于他年说梦痕，一花一木耐温存”。中一那年拼了小命要把中文念好，一个偶遇，看到这句话。

而今，探一探梦痕的体温：有感激，有喜乐，有积极，有盼望，有笑傲江湖的豪情，更有黯然神伤的泪水。当中居然也蕴含着一种隐约的悲凉。原本有人视自己为同乡，原本有人说一起走过，后来忘了曾许过这承诺。还没走到就改变方向的人，是善变健忘吧。然而善变健忘的人却偏偏爱说些很认真的话。让真正认真执着的人，独自认真，一人执着，善变健忘的人则随心失忆。

认真执着的人，至少还有诗，驻在渡口，永远守候。

现在整在赶论文，却老想起这首诗。。。真想从头再读一遍当时的心情。等论文提交后，一定把自己这些年来写过的仅存的诗，散文和歌词等收录在网上的电子记事本，这一来随时都可翻查，无论我漂泊到何处。怎么当时把日记收录网上却没想到作品也可如此行。

More Gripping than UK Election Fever

2010-04-21T09:35:00.000+08:00

"May all survivors of the earthquake in Qing Hai, China be resettled quickly, and their (life) wounds healing begin right now...

May all who are stranded in Iceland reach home safely...

Spring is a time of hope. Hope anew to people in Poland and families of the bereaved." - on my own Facebook wall, Monday, 19 April 2010.

Never thought my very first post after more than a year, in a whole new environment (University of Cambridge, UK) is linked so much with grief, heart-stricken thoughts of suffering people, in the midst of seemingly unending calamities. Here I am - privileged enough to be enjoying my postgraduate studies in one of the world's top (if not the top) institution.

I am very grateful, God. But my thoughts are with those who are not sure if they will see their loved ones again, and those who know they'll never see their loved ones anymore.

Mom Fell off the Stairs

2009-08-12T22:12:00.041+08:00

"Last published on 13 Dec 2008."

Hmm...It is hard to believe that I had not been uploading entries for a good 8 months. Then again, it was usually those friends on the other half of the globe (not the oceans and deserts, mind you) who kept pushing met to blog so that we could keep abreast of everyone's latest news. I think the Facebook phenomenon has somewhat ousted blogging as a social function although they do serve different purposes. FB has got plenty of games, photos upload (hey you guys, can you keep the resolution really low, please?) and hordes of other networking appeal.

Life has been eventful - went to teach in a Bible college, had a tumultuous, exhilarating, and unforgettable Israel trip, resigned from college, applied to Cambridge University, got accepted and granted Fitzwilliam College (please don't start the "Wah... MM Lee Kuan Yew studied there" exclamation. It is me who has to study REALLY hard. He was an alumni, albeit a famous one. Got it?), and all the while serving in church. These all are worthy themes for writing - especially the life changing Israel trip with all the photos, and another life changing experience awaits when I undertake my PhD in Cambridge. But I guess sometimes, I needed much bigger themes of life and death to push me off my perch to start writing again.

And it had to be mom who fell off the few flight of stairs on Sunday 2 August 2009 on her way to church. Eversince then I had been persuading, coaxing, nudging, explaining, talking to her and above all, praying that she would nod at the suggestion of visiting the doctor. She is diabetic and she has been for the past 25 years. The fell resulted in a right ankle sprain (wonder if there is a hair line fracture), and a bruised left knee that bled. Excellent reason to rush to the doc, right? No. She stubbornly refused to. “不要” was the only answer cum reason I got.

Finally, after she came into my study at 4am yesterday, and requested I pray because of the excruciating pain, I knew I had to do something. So, I psychologically prepared her by emphatically announcing: "Tomorrow, we will go see the doc after breakfast. I mean it."

"Tomorrow", which is today; arrived. As expected, mom declared her wound completely healed. I did a show hand and flashed my trump card - pretended to get really angry (believe me, it was very difficult to fly into a rage with no one provoking me), and babbled some gibberish angry words, took her IC and off I went to our family doctor.

Not surprisingly, I was greeted with the usual "Why-do-you-bring-her-here-only-now? Why-so-late?!?" accusative comments by doctors everywhere whenever I brought mom to them. Hey, why scold me, again? Why blame me, again? Why are the elderly so very stubborn, as always? Someone please give me a good answer and I'll send you a scone from UK.

The doctor's diagnosis:
"This is very serious. Look, the wound is rotting, the nerves surrounding the wound has lost all its sensation (the doc pressed hard on the flesh with a splinter. Mom replied its not painful. Doc said it is even worst because that shows her senses are numbed. Then mom said: oh, can feel can feel. The doc and I exchanged a quick glance - give me a break, mom.) If she goes on like that, chances of amputation are very high. It would be from the thigh onwards. So must monitor closely. These are the list of food she cannot eat...... Any open wounds, big or small, will not heal on its own for diabetic patients. They need antibiotics. And her injury is very deep.

"Auntie, must pray but also must see doctor early lah," looking at her, the doc uttered solemnly. I interjected on purpose: "Mom said this morning, it is "completely healed", she could clearly see. "You could clearly see the wound is so awful! It is rotting!" the doctor replied without hesitation.

Great! That should scare my mom into eternally locking in her mind the truth "I must rush to the doc once I have a cut or bleed because I need antibiotics to heal. Otherwise, half my body will be gone".

And guess what? To really scare the daylight out of my mom - so as to eradicate her mentality of refusing to visit the doctor while I am away in Cambridge - I will pretend to be angry for an entire week. Yes! One whole week. I'll wash her wounds, apply medication, monitor her antibiotics intake etc but with a darn serious look; even during meals. After all, she has to go back for consultation next week.

So, for those of you reading this and who talk to my mom or visit us often, please help me put up an Oscar winning show, ok? I want the Best Actress Award, Best Script writer and Best Director Award - you can have the awards for the Best Supporting Roles.

For once in 25 years, I see a ray of hope to once and for all end the "Why-do-you-bring-her-here-only-now? Why-so-late?!?" chiding by doctors. What is worst, people come up to me and blurt out: "You must take care of your mom, you know. See her skin, her leg... aiyoh!" It is like being victimized and labelled as "not taking care of your mother; not being filial." What do you think I've been doing all these years, huh? Walking around my house counting the tiles on the floor?!? You nosey parkers out there, do you know how I have exhausted all methods - and my energies - just to coax my mom to visit the doctor? Do you know exactly how stubborn she is? You don't. So, shut up. That will help clear up the noise pollution.

In an attempt to queue up for mom, I stood in front of the clinic at 8.25am with her IC. Then my mom and helper arrived at 9am, and the latter said nonchalantly: This is the dental clinic. What? Dental clinic? You mean I had been queuing up in front of the dental clinic for half an hour and wondering why my family doctor is late?!? I briskly walked towards THE right clinic and there was a crowd. I told the assistant what happened; we both burst out laughing... "Why u so blur?" she commented. I just smiled.

I now know why. I was worried.

More Updates, Fast Forward

2008-12-13T01:14:00.019+08:00

Here's the icing on the cake; one souvenir I wish I could bring home after a week long of weary interpretation work in Taiwan:

Fast Forward:

Sept 2008. Started teaching full-time in TCA College. Haven't decided whether it is Dietrich Bonhoeffer or Cultural Studies as my PhD dissertation focus in interdisciplinary theological studies. Pray....

And of course... there are birthdays, and more birthdays... which lead to a series of playing around with pix... Benjamin's has a really hilarious one and here are the less tickling ones:

Taken on Iwan's 21st birthday... His dad provided the wine, Benji took the pix. Who's the man on the ladder? God knows.

Tata! Ping Er's birthday!
And of course, birthday boys are meant to be tortured. I mean, congratulated.

We were wishing him all the best. Serious.

Ok now, you get the drift?
Yes, the fad is back - pasting your pix on huge billboards, currencies, magazines, wall murals, neon lights advertisements, supermodels' clothes etc etc.

Toilet papers even. A few for fun is more than enough for me. I don't want to end up on some famous tombstones or wanted criminal notices of FBI.

Nov-Dec. The ground-breaking, breath-taking, visually moving Israel pilgrimage tour which saw not only the Holy Land but also witnessed life-impacting fiasco at Jordan-Amman airport and Bangkok military airport. Now I know what being stranded in airport means, what backlog can do to your nerves, and buying an extra ticket can burst your wallet - plus the terrifying Mumbai terrorist attacks. Compared to the latter where innocent lives are lost because of a few unsound minds and misplaced passions, air travel problems are nothing.

Economic recession, poison milk powder, terrorists attacks, US Presidential election (the positive one), what's next?

A better 2009, hopefully.

It's Been Almost 6 Months!

2008-10-13T00:04:00.003+08:00

Geeze! The last time I wrote on this blog was almost 6 months ago - the longest absence ever!

But even before the last post on Church Camp, I was itching to chronicle my blessed trip to Taiwan Bread of Life (our mother church) when I cried almost non-stop everyday during seminars, church sessions, workshops etc. Imagine you had your air ticket and lodging all paid for to interpret (read: serve/wrok) for the sessions, English to Chinese and vice-versa but you spoke with a squeaky voice that surpassed the boy who cried "Wolf! Wolf!" all day long. If it wasn't embarrassing enough, then picture all the floors I stepped on blossomed with issue papers of tears and mucus, donated by me of course.

I was radically shaken by the finger of God (figuratively, mind you) with regards to my calling (reaffirmation), future vision and immediate tasks at hand for the next 5 years. Physically in Taiwan, my mind dwelt on nothing but the youths, young adults in church back home.

As a simple chronology of watershed events, I decided to accede to the requests of you people out there by posting a few pix. See the narratives in the pix themselves =p

A (PA) Room to View
Photo taken from the 2nd floor PA room where I was interpreting. Holy Communion Session.

"You see I roared into the microphone and instantly, a power failure happened.... Please make sure I don't have to pay for the damage..."

At Taipei Bread of Life Church, Mission Building cum 24-hr Prayer Centre. I was commuting to and fro from our mother church and her branch.

Testing... testing headset...

With the Ambassador of Israel, Mr Raphael who graced the Museum of Taiwan during the photo exhibition of Jewish history. He personally guided and explained to us. On my left is a photo taken by David Rubinger (one of my favorite photographers) depicting soldiers anxiously awaiting news outside the walls of Jerusalem.

Ha! This is almost a non-paganistic ritual for all who are born and bred children of Bread of Life (whichever branch country you are from!)

Without fail, we would take a pix at this entrance.

In the true spirit of being a Chinese, a sumptuous meal always awaits us after a hard week's work. Oh but wait, what is the name of this noodle restaurant again?!?

There was and still is so much to learn while serving. Making new friends is one of the plus points which I cherish. The friends, not the points. =p

Another Frame - UthNiTy@BOL Church Camp 2008

2008-06-15T15:16:00.003+08:00

Taking a short break from the routine, I amused myself with some of the camp pix from Huimin's camera and my own - while waiting for the rest to come in... Click on the pix for a bigger view.

Ok ok, here are all future BOL (S) bodyguards. Er, minus the (smelly) slipper please. Btw, it is Ben's idea that I should sit on a chair. He put it right in front of me, so what could I do? Sit lor!

Update 20 June 08: ZiXin said that leg belongs to Aaron, Iwan's is not so hairy! Hahaha... Ok sorry brothers and thanks ZiXin!

What WanXuan had always wanted to blast me with and Fiona says: "Duh"...

What award winning photographers do just to get a great shot. Erm, while you are at it, spot the spelling mistake!

Behind the scene - the crew, the props, the cast, the directors, no scriptwriter though. Special thanks to Casper & Esther who helped take some of the shots.

Mafias in the making - Are we Soprano or Godfather? ND, iWan, WX, Benji, PJ, JP, ZiXin, Ben2, HuiMin, CD, Mag all enlisted. Man, the first 4 can conquer Europe - Fab 4? Abi, ZhiWei and Zi Ai - instant disqualification. Some people just got the kind and gentle look lor... sigh.

Fiona's sunglasses? Very cool. But on me, it turned me into a mosquito... Now, someone give me a Bloody Mary (drink) please. Make it AB+ blood type!

I agree with u, ND. Bet none of you have seen our PE cum Maths teacher in such a pose. Well, after THAT pampers commercial, expect anything from him. I mean, anything. And for whatever collapsing ceiling, there's always Andre to the rescue. CD is either rehearsing for "Fly Me to the Moon" repertoire or 嫦娥奔月

T.E.A. peeps. Where's the stain har?

Finally, we are serious, after all the holy hilarity. Yeah! Only a few members missing.

Er, did I just say "serious"? We partied all the way - till on the floor!
My double chin is gone for the moment! Good times!

独乐乐不如众乐乐, come on, join in! So we make the job of the cleaner lady easier for the next day! 平儿 just caught a 飞镖... He's a kung fu master, don't mess around.

Suddenly remember I still have my ex-boss' professional studio lighting in my storeroom... Hmm... I should bring take them out for...

Action! Cut! NG! Take 3.... NG! Take 4, Take 5....

Having less than 10 childhood photos, I'll go on a 'revenge journey' to make up for the lost quota these years. All my life, I've been taking photos for others, free lancing or otherwise. The only pieces that can chronologically record my lack of vertical growth are the school annual class photos and occasional group photos. Of course, there's always Huimin's take of my very realistic shots. She has the anointing in bringing out all my double chins, fat waist, squinted eyes, pimple marks, sagging skin... you name it. Huimin, how much bribe did you receive for sending all my worst shots to everyone every time after an event? Confess! Muahahaha...

Cheers!

Farewell, Dr May

2008-06-14T15:51:00.000+08:00

Extraordinary and irreplaceable.

At the wake of realizing that grief is no respecter of persons, this much only I can utter during this period of mourning and rejoicing.

Death for a disciple of Christ is promotion to glory. For a disciple of Dr May, it is always imminently and realistically encountering more than an aura of a life well lived.

This is not an eulogy. It is just some thin slices of poignant and precious remembrance of my mentor, Dr Tan-Chow MayLing. Just the final three chats we had. For eulogies, I am writing in English and Chinese respectively.

24 April 2008, Thurs 2.14pm
Visited and chatted with Si Fu （师傅） at her cozy, country-styled home.
Diagnosis of her doctor sounded like theology from her lips.
Purpose of my visit: to tell her personally that I have decided to undertake a PhD course, and the books I had been reading. Upon listening to my take on some theological philosophy, she nodded and smiled. Tired, she "chased" me away when I became too animated (read: noisy). "Ma'am is still herself after all, still has the energy to do one of the usual things like snapping at me, hitting my head with a book and glared hard at me with a cheeky look and so on," I thought to myself as I left; probably the happiest student on earth to be shooed away by her mentor.

22 May 2008, Thurs 12. 26pm
Second last visit at Assisi Hospice - one of my most cherished times with Si Fu. I had the privilege to stay for almost 2 hours. The uniqueness, humor and lively repartee in a midst of a God-given tranquility deserves an entirely separate article. Ma'am asked me to share a Bible verse when she awoke from her short nap. I did and she responded with much insight. Again, I inadvertently got carried away and declared I was a "post liberal for the day"as I twisted some theological philosophy into some hilarity to make her laugh. She did. I was happy. As I massaged her swollen left arm, I mused about "anointing in the jacket" to amuse her again. She chuckled. I was very happy...

3 June 2008 Tues 6.40pm
I was back from an 8-day Taipei Convocation and preparing to attend church camp in Malacca two days later. Final visit at her home. Si Fu was forever embraced by Jesus the following day, on 4th June 2008 Wed at around 1.30-1.45pm.

Final visit. Last words. This time, only I spoke. She was breathing but eyes tightly closed and body, motionless. Peaceful and dignified. She had been in such a state for two days plus, the private nurse said.

At her left ear, I whispered slowly:
"Hi Si Fu, this is Kris, the naughty one.* I'm back from Taipei and here to say "Hi." Your glorious day has come. Thank you for everything. We will miss you.
We are sadder without you but we will be stronger because of you.
Thank you Ma'am. See you again one day."

................................................

All emotional bewilderment and unstoppable tears I had to hold back in all these three visits and after her departure; finally found a totally unhindered outlet now as I pen these...

*"The Naughty One" was how Dr May and her late husband, my theological seminary president called me. Later as I proof read her book for publication, I called myself "T.O., Theological Offspring" rather than the usual "T.A. - Teaching Assistant." Frequent mentions of "T.O." to students during classes seemed to suggest she liked my nonsensical invention.

Simple yet Memorable (Belated) Birthday Celebration

2008-05-20T08:17:00.000+08:00

Meat Platter for two? Must be kidding! Even four of us couldn't finish ok! Hehe, AC had the wisdom to "ta pao"... Of course there were other side dishes like soup (Cappuccino Mushroom soup, pardon my ignorance, I was pleasantly surprised! Lasagna - which made us discussed Jim Davis' Garfield...)
My first birthday cake this year - a slice of durian delight. The light on my throat is the reflection of the plastic. Yes, yes, the chocolate wafer lurking at the side is screaming to be gobbled up...

Today AC & BJ, together with LE celebrated my birthday, belatedly as I prioritized my actual day somewhat mistakenly. My first cake, first sumptuous meal this year. But was with laughter, hilarity and most of all, a properly executed and dignified affair. I was really touched and privileged to share the times sitting, chatting with you all. It is times like these when we can look each other in the eyes and communicate spirit to spirit that I appreciate so much. Thanks for making time and treating your friend well, as a friend as always.